"Poetry is comprised of many SITUATIONS.... So why is it that Black people only write poems about relationships, sex, and REPARATIONS?" - J. Wiggins taken from Concepts: Poems and thoughts of J. Wiggins.
So lets discuss a topic that one of my best friends and I were discussing a few hours ago... DEAL BREAKERS.... So WHAT exactly is a DEAL BREAKER? A deal breaker is something that you absolutely can not deal with or tolerate in a potential mate. Relationships are filled with sacrifices... I'm sure that some ladies have met a nice man but they found out that the man had one too many kids. Is that a good man gone down the drain. Fellas... we have all dated beautiful but what is that ONE THING that you just couldn't get past? Maybe she couldn't cook... Is THAT a deal breaker for you? Are you willing to sacrifice a beautiful woman for a full stomach. Is an empty stomach worth being seen with a beautiful woman in public. Some women may meet a nice man with a great job and great morals BUT the man is a little shorter than they would like them to be. Is THAT a deal breaker for you? Please chime in and share with me some of your personal thoughts. When you leave your comments, please AT LEAST put your first name. I just don't like responding to "Anonymous #3 or Anonymous #5" when I post my replies.
I sat and thought long and hard on what I thought my deal breakers were. I remember being in college and having a good friend/frat brother, neighbor named Freeman Gardner (R.I.P.) Freemans approach with women was alot different than alot of the other cats we hung around. I remember him asking women if they could cook within' the first conversation of meeting them. I didn't understand that as a young cat but I understand that now. He realized that there are only a few things that we as humans have to do EVERY SINGLE DAY TO SURVIVE. One of those things is EAT.... So why date a woman that you could possibly get close to in the future only to be upset that she can't cook? I think that women that can cook get EXTRA points in my book. What was once looked at as a luxury in the past is now one of my deal breakers. I cannot have a serious relationship with a woman that can not cook. It isn't about a woman slaving in the kitchen or catering to me... It is simply about survival. In todays economy, I can't afford to take you to Chili's and Red Lobster every night. Even going to WacArnolds everyday can really put a dent into your funds. Therefore, I would date an ugly woman that could throw down in the kitchen over a beautiful woman that doesn't know what a spatula is ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. Of course I do have a few more deal breakers but I will just start here and add more as your comments start coming in. Sound fair?
So once again, what is YOUR deal breaker?
29 comments:
I agree that we should all have dealbreakers...boundaries...what you will and will not tolerate.
A dealbreaker for me is a man who smokes...especially cigarettes or B&M's...yuck! An occasional cigar at Maker's might not be soo bad...as long as I dont have to smell it or kiss him afterwards. I have a few others, but they can wait...
I have a question for you though, you made a statement about not taking a woman out to eat everyday...what about you cooking for her? Or the 2 of you cooking together? A man that can cook...or at least help cook is really sexy...
Amari, I agree that cooking with a young lady in the kitchen is indeed sexy... So is cooking for a woman. I do still believe that a female MUST know how to cook regardless if I decide to join her in the kitchen or not. Another deal breaker for me is smoking. The second I see a woman "light up" I'm walking the other way. Some of my friends think that women smoking black and milds is sexy... I believe that it is sexy in photography portraits but nasty in real life. I'm just saying..
A deal breaker in my book is a man that can't stand his job. You wake up everyday and do something you hate and you aren't doing anything to change it. I can't handle that. I'm not saying the occasional bad day at work or sometimes not wanting to get out of bed because it's cold outside or you'd rather stay in bed with me isn't acceptable. But whatever you do for a living you must love it and enjoy it.
hey j., does baking count?!? cuz i'm like a lil betty crocker! i don't agree with deal breakers that the other person has no control over (like height, being left-handed, etc.). however, the ones that CAN be avoided, such as smoking, cursing every other word, or being rude and arrogant (i.e. my way, or the highway) are red flags. although food consumption is vital, cooking can be a LEARNED trait. just look at sandra lee's SEMI-homemade... might not be like granny's soul food, but your potential lady just might nourish the soul! ~charisma~
Wow, Great Blog first of all!!
2nd A deal breaker for me would have to be arrogance. I think everyone should be confident who they are, but no one can be right all the time. And you were not put on this earth to prove everyone wrong. As well as smoking, cursing every other word (especially in front of a lady, that shows how your were raised.) And I agree with Baranda whole-heartedly! Not only should you enjoy it, but if its not where you wanna be, strive to get to a better place. Dont just get comfortable and complain!
It depends on who I'm dating...
If it's a man, someone shorter than me is a dealbreaker. I think this is fair because I am only 5'2". All you gotta be is 5'3" or taller.
In a woman, a dealbreaker would be someone who spends more time in the mirror or more money on makeup than I do. There can't be two divas, only one, and that one is me. lol.
Across the board, I can't date cheaters or anyone who doesn't give head. Automatic no.
A deal breaker for me is someone who is unwilling to participate in oral sex. Whether it is giving or receiving it is important. Making love is supposed to be about going beyond boundaries, showing yourself vulnerable and giving pleasure for the sake of making someone else feel good. With Snoop Dogg's sexual anthem it seems that even thugs have finally gotten off the "I'mma get mine" boat. So why do I know women who get to stay on it. I know a woman 34 years old that has never given oral sex, but she receives it with pleasure. I think that is selfish and holds her back from experiencing all that she could. I could never be with a man who didn't enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, I would feel like he was holding something back from me. It's a deal breaker.
Well, I have a lot of deal breakers but like you the one that really turns me off is a smoker. Now as for the cooking, it just all depends.YES, I CAN COOK! Although, when we have both had busy days and we are both tired grabing a bite to eat where it's open is nice too. No, it's not cheap but as a man, isn't it nice to have a woman pay for a change. Or for me I would love to find a man to cook for me. And look good too! although, my other deal breaker is a short man and with that a skinny man even if he is tall.
Another dealbreaker for me is someone who is blatantly disrespectful of the mother of his child(ren) and who doesn't pay child support.
Everyone makes mistakes...whatever she did/does wrong..I can understand being upset, but to continuously call her out of her name...heck no! Whatever she is or isn't....you picked her!!!!
As far as not paying child support, there are NO EXCUSES! Whether you have a job or not...that child/children still need to eat, have clothes, shoes, etc....if you can eat...so can your kids!
Also, I wouldn't date a man with young children....not because I dont want to be bothered with the kids, but because the drama is still fresh. If you have a toddler or pre-school aged child neither parent is settled in to the co-parenting thing and more often than not...one if not both still want to try and make it work...or at least have sex!
Deal breakers....
1. Gangsters who still "bang" after the teen years.
2. Permanent grills, the Memphis styled gold grills are the worst. YUCK!
3. No personality, and trying to be too serious all the time "Cool posing", I hate it. I am a silly person and I love to have fun.
4. I especially can't deal with a man who is too closed off and won't open up. These men strike me as broken/battered, weak in some sense, and furthermore it comes off as a male version of a "bag lady". I don't really like it when men have to be one way for the public and a whole other way IF you get to know them. I can appreciate a lil' mystery here and there, but if a person is too closed off it is a big turn off because you never feel like you really know him and he may just be carrying a lot of baggage, and I don't do baggage (baggage deal breaker #5)...
A deal breaker for me is when a man has kids. I don’t dislike kids; I’m allergic to baby mamas and ex-wives. Relationships are hard enough when it’s just the two of you…when you add other people in the equation it just makes it harder. I realize that the older I get, the more unlikely it is to find a man without kids, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I'd rather tell a man upfront than pretend that I can deal with it because I can't.
Great blog! I would have to say that a deal breaker for me is a man with children, b/c it means that there is a baby mama in the equation that will be around and I would have to cross my fingers that if me and the guy got serious then she would not start trippin'. I also would be making sure that he is a good father and not spending more time with me than with his child(ren). Another deal breaker for me is pessimism. It is very draining to date someone that is negative 365 days/24 hours.
I agree with Amari!!! My deal breaker is for a man to disrespect the mother of his child/children!! If he talks like this about her, then he will do the same to all women!!! I have been in a marriage where when it was disolved, my ex outright refused to pay child support. He talked badly about me often to his family and friends!! I will not date a man who behaves this way!! And I will not allow the man that I am in a relationship with leave his offspring to suffer!!! I know I wouldn't want to be treated that way!! That is a selfish way of living and as the woman, everyone will be looking at you!!!
Baranda - Very interesting. I know women like that and I don't think it is sexy either. Why complain when you can just leave? Good one...
Charisma - You are a little Betty Crocker? lol I'm happy that you don't agree with deal breakers that people don't have any control over. I'm not very tall and I didn't realize I was short until college when I started hearing short jokes. I always had trouble with the ladies because they never looked twice at me because my height was a deal breaker without even saying hello. I guess that is part of the reason why I have always wanted to be EXTRA smart, dress EXTRA nice, be EXTRA friendly, and be EXTRA funny. Now that I'm older I really don't get to farts about it. Looks ARE the thing that gets you noticed first BUT I prefer to be judged by the things that I say and how I conduct myself... Not by if I meet your psuedo height requirement. I might need to meet you one day Charisma... heehee...
Angela, I believe that ALL women are Divas in their own way... All the more reason why I don't think women should date other women. lol... Just kidding. As for oral sex, that can be a tricky topic and I could probably write a blog about that and make it a NOVEL.
Anonymous - Your 34 year old friend that has never given oral sex before needs to be placed in the middle of the I-35 Junction blindfolded during rush hour... Shame on her...
Keisha - Back in the day, a woman with kids WAS a deal breaker but I look at that completely different now. I think motherhood is sexy. Sometimes relationships don't work out and the woman is left with the children. There is no way that I'm going to penalize a great women over the little blessings that look like her. I just can't do it. Now if they have alot of kids and alot of different baby daddys, I will throw that fish back in the water so that another brother can catch them.
I find this to be a very intriguing blog and i really appreciate your intelligent writing style. That being said:
I find it curious that throughout these post I have yet to hear the religious topic appear. I thought while reading, that 75% of it would be centered in that direction.
1. Lack of personality/intelligence-I HATE DUMBING DOWN MY CONVERSATION SO THAT YOU CAN BE INCLUDED
2.Ignorance of circumstance-IF YOU ARE IN DEBT, TEAR UP THE CARDS AND STOP SHOPPING.
3. Too many kids- I USED TO SAY KIDS WERE A DEAL BREAKER UNTIL I BECAME A PARENT. NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE A CASE BY CASE SITUATION BECAUSE WE MAY HAVE A BLENDED FAMILY TO RAISE.
4.Not willing to learn to cook if you can't- IF WE ARE TOGETHER, I HAVE TO BE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND VICE VERSA.
5. Lack of tact- DON'T BE THE LOUD MOUTH, STEREOTYPED "NIGGA" THEY EXPECT YOU TO BE.
6. Liars- THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE TO ME. MOST RELATIONSHIPS FALL APART DUE TO THESE. IF WE DON'T HAVE TRUST, THE WE HAVE NOTHING!
Good Topic one of my deal breakers used to be a woman with kids but comon you know how hard it is too find a woman with 0 kids nowadays youll have better luck trying to find bigfoot yao ming..
As far as cooking man some of the ladies who think they can cook actually cant guys are always going to compare thier ladies cooking to thier mommas so its not ever going to be good enough I can cook for myself.
One thing I cant stand and a real dealbreaker is a woman who when you wake up next to her looks tottaly different then the night before. Come on fellas how many times we see a lady lookin fly the night before but when you wake up next to her in the morning she looks like she just came out of a national geographic magazine.
Im not sayin you have to be a super model when you wake up but at least have the hair you have the night before on your head and the the eye lashes ya digg.
Oh a female with bad breath is a deal breaker too..
Neway Im out Free The Juice!
MAN... I have thought long and hard about this blog. I would have to agree with free, A lady with bad breathe is a deal breaker. You carry a purse everywhere you go, at least have some gum or mints in it so WE don't have to smell your bad breathe.
Now on to the kids subject that has gotten a lotta of play here. I am a father...no I am an ACTIVE father in my sons life and his mother and I have a cool relationship. And like you said J motherhood is/can be sexy. And I would think that with all the "deadbeat" dads out there, I would think that a women would love to see a man taking care of his responsibilty. Now I don't want it to come off like I am sticking up for the men who disrespects the child(ren) mother. That is childish and out right stupid of them. You weren't talking about her when you slept with her without any protection, why now does she have to be a bitch or a nag. And that goes VICE VERSA.
Just something to think about...
I'm out!!!
I'm keeping my comment on this one light & simple:
Deal Breaker - Guys who wear the latest, flyest, clothes, but their homes look like sh*t. I can't stand a junky home, I can't stand a man who lives in filth, thats unacceptable. I also give the side eye to guys who use profanity and use the word "nigga" like it's the only word in the English language. Not hot either... and FYI some women lie about not knowing how to cook when they don't really like the guy and is not trying to cook for them. Trust me, I know how to cook, but I've lied my azz off a time or two to keep from cooking for guys I wasn't very interested in.
Ciroc Obama had some interesting comments...Religion is, or should be, a very important aspect in any significant relationship. The problem is...in our society, unless you meet someone at church, that conversation does not come up immediately.
When two people meet and exchange conversation and information they make an agreement (a deal) whether verbal or understood, to get to know each other. A deal breaker usually happens within that first conversation or eye contact when you decide whether you are interested in sticking around long enough to see where it could go. And honestly, people give you all the information you need about them upfront (within the first few interactions) the trick is to observe and understand that information with your mind and not your heart or other body parts!
I do agree with the "lack of personality/intelligence" comment. As an ADULT, especially in today's sociey..there are certain things you MUST be able to discuss. What I mean is...you have to know the name of the President/Vice President of the United States. You should know who the Governor/Lt. Governor of your state is....heck...I bet your kids know their names!!!! You should be able to discuss, at least some, national issues....gas prices, Jena 6, etc. And, if eligible, you should be a registered and practicing voter!!!!! I had a guy (over 30 years old, no less) tell me he wasnt registered and didn't vote because that was the governments way of keeping track of you...WTF! Dont you have a social security number and a driver's license??!!!!
I want to add something to what Mr. Ciroc Obama wrote.....
The subject of religion/spirituality is very sensitive in the world of dating! Ones beliefs can often tear a couple apart! I dated a guy who flat out denounced God in front of my family (and my father is the pastor of the family church) and judged me for the way I live my life! Yes! I believe in God!! Yes!! I go to church!! And YES!!! I do go out!!! This is a deal breaker for me. When I date, I ask before it gets too serious! You know!! So serious that you are about to take this person to meet your family!! That way I can decide if I need to cut ties or continue to pursue this further!! Communication is very important, even while dating!
I have to agree with Charisma. Some of you have deal breaker and personal preference confused. Let's take the young lady Ashley for example. You stated you couldn't date a man who was shorter than you, and that it was only fair because that he should be atleast 5'3. Height isn't something you can find on sale at Wal-mart, it's hereditary. If you walked up to a guy that you really liked and he told you " I'm not interested in you because you decided not to be tall" well....... OUCH!!!!
And to my anonymous friend who stated your other dealbreaker is a short man and also a skinny man even if he's tall. Now I find that a bit ironic because you said you can cook. You should apply your god given gift and cook for that man. You got it I'm a skinny tall guy, but I eat more than a fat girl re-nigging on her diet.
Just wanted to help everyone dicern the difference between a deal breaker and preference.
Now my deal breaker (thank god I don't have one!!!!!) is what you call an "8 Track Woman" Yes this is an adjective but it could also be used as a noun. The definition of an 8 Track Women/Man is a person who chooses to live an outdated lifestyle. This person's actions as well as the decisions that they make will prove to be immorally humorous. So how do you know if you are an 8 Track Woman or Man? Here area a few examples:
If you are over 21 and you don't have at least 3 bills In your name(OG&E, rent or house note, water bill, cell phone, ONG, any type of insurance etc...,..) but you are trying to make it to the club every weekend. You got it!!!
If you have never or don't participate in oral festivites( with a trustworthy mate of course) yep!!! You got it. Outdated!!!
If you are fitted with the Ryan kenny shirt, rockin the true religions, and Italian squares ordered directly from Italy but your kid's shoes light up when they walk. Ummmmmm I'm just saying.
If you are complaining about a $20 cover at club. ( get ready Oklahoma!! We have a team. We want to be aknowledged as a big city. Gotta act like a big city. Don't believe me? Go to a big city and find out for yourself.
I am Dj Quest and I approve this message. Shouts out to Ciroc Obama!!!!
Oh wow, lots of excellent points on deal breakers have been made but i haven't seen a couple of mine so i thought I'd share! If you've ever dated one of my relatives or close friends it's a NO-GO. I don't care if you guys "went together" in the eighth grade I just couldnt do it. I've never liked sloppy seconds.
Also, and i know this is petty but it's just how I feel, if you ask me to dance and you have ZERO rhythm, it kills it for me. Please just come share conversation with me and leave the dance floor alone if your're challenged in that area. I will and have dated guys that can't dance just don't embarass yourself and me trying to be something you're not love.
Thanks for 'reading' me out!
Quest!!! OMG!!! You're making my side hurt!!! You spin the truth!!!
Back in High School, my Dad gave me a bit of advice that I never fully appreciated until I got older. He said "Son, NEVER get involved with a woman that has more problems than you." I always thought that was a bit harsh and unfair, but life experiences over the past 10 years have taught me how wise those words were.
Thus, my deal breaker is a woman with DRAMA. Now, I know that seems to be a very broad statement, especially since we all tend to have a little drama that pops up in our lives. But y'all know what I mean. I'm talking about women that ALWAYS seem to have SOMETHING going on. From financial issues, to baby-daddy issues, to family issues, to fighting-with-friends issues (why do all them heffas dislike you?), to ex-factor issues (boyfriend, fiance... husband?... wtf are you a 22 year old divorcee for anyway?), to issues on the job (ever notice that they ALWAYS got somebody on the job hating on them?). I'm talking about ladies that always seem to be in conflict with somebody, always seem to be in trouble with somebody, always seem to be in hot water with somebody. I'm talking about those young ladies where every situation that befalls them is a crisis (no matter how big or small the issue actually is). I have discovered over the past 10 years that those women are mentally, physically, and emotionally draining. I absolutely, positively, cannot deal with these types of women.
if you ever really fall in love there is no deal breakers, you learn to live with it even if you said in the past you wouldn't.
:)
Looka Here!( yeah I said it!)
I have to Say that Quest cracked me the hell up.(8 track women & MEN TOO!)
I wrote a blog about haters on myspace too. It basically asked the question why does everyone feel that they are being hated on. Anytime i hear somebody constantly say they are being hated on, it sets off my "Spidey-Senses".
This is a great blog J! Well I agree with a lot of what previous bloggers have said, some of my deal breakers are as follows (in no particular order):
A) A man with any type of chemical dependency (cigarettes, pills, alcohol, etc...) JUST SAY NO!
B) If a guy is materialistic/flashy and his self-esteem is wrapped up in what he has. There's nothing wrong with having/wanting nice things as long as those "things" don't define you.
C) Liars - I can't stand ‘em with a passion! And fellas in most cases you would have been better off telling the truth anyway.
D) I also agree with Tootsie on the sloppy 2nds! If you have dated any of my friends/family it's a wrap.
E) V-Child I'm right there with you on the DRAMA issue! Some men are such "Drama Kings" - OMG! Take a chill pill why don't ya???
F) Guys that are argumentative and what to trip and fuss about any and every lil thang and blow everything out of proportion! Simma-Down-Now!
** I 2nd what Charisma said, you have no control over genetics - these should not be deal breakers. A lot of people have missed out on great men/women with that narrow-minded way of thinking. **
This Blog Is great!!!
My list of deal breakers are:( no specific order)
1) When a man is not a Go-Getter simply irritates me. I love a man who has goals, dreams,and ambitions. A man who constantly competes with himself to get better. A man who never settles for less, or never gets comfortable with where he is and strives for greatness is simply SEXY to me :)
2) A man who dis-respects his mother or women in general for that matter is a deal-breaker
3)Lack of COMMON SENSE: "most important on my list" If a man has no common sense this is a huge turn-off and definetely grounds for termination..LOL!
4) Doesnt know GOD for himself!! I'm not asking for a man to be holier than thou...just a relationship with God is what he has to have. I need to know that my man knows how to pray for me, or knows how to impart in my life when the road gets tough!! If he has no relationship with God this is a deal-breaker....
5) I love a man with serious SWAG! he has to be neat in apperarnce, Confident in his personality, Not cocky or arrogant, but knows who he is and he is comfortable with that!
6) I Love Love Love for my man to be dominant and I love for my man to make me feel protected! When a man is weak (mentally, physically, and emotionally) this is also a deal breaker!
I enjoyed this blog!! keep them coming :)
dj quest are you no longer a jehovah witness i thought that would be your deal breaker
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