Lesson Learned - Don't Be Afraid...

He is definitely the craziest cat I know. His jokes will have you DYIN' upon hours with laughter and his insight is deeper than about 99% of the people that I know. By far one of the smartest people I know and he NEVER set foot into a college classroom. Being a 20 year veteran of the Air force, he has been all around the world and back TWICE! He probably saw more in that twenty year span than most people will see in their lifetime. Today marks his 55th birthday. His name is Larry also known as "The Original Wigg". I call him Pops because... well... he is my pops and "daddy" sounds gay if you are over 13. lol.. I digress.

Although we don't speak on the phone as often as we should, our conversations are always very interesting when we do speak. We start off by asking one another WHY we haven't called the other person then proceed to each create excuses of WHY we haven't. lol... We then move onto work and politics. They both go hand in hand and that is probably why we discuss both of them simultaneously. Everyone hates politics and work always sucks... but we need both to survive and be free. The conversation will include everything from President Obama to "how the ladies were lookin' in Jamaica." The next convo is always relationship heavy as he weaves in and out of discussing my ex girlfriends and current interests. The conversations can become very interesting to say the least. Everything happens for a reason and he constantly reminds me that women come and go and to just be patient.

My Pops always drops some type of knowledge every single phone conversation that we have. I remember about a year ago, he said one of the poignant things I had ever heard. He said, "Son, don't be afraid to fall in love..." I think my draw dropped to the floor once I heard that. I try my best to share relationship info with him. Not because I want him to know the details of my relationships... simply because I'm letting him know indirectly that I am no longer that 15 year old kid at 1311 Shasta Drive on the southside of Colorado Springs. I have grown into a man that has had his fair share of heartbreaks and good times. I asked him what he meant by that and he began to explain. He stated that he understands how I feel because he has been there before. He has seen my tears flow in reverse as they drowned my heart with sorrow. He has watched me walk around the house pretending as if everything was ok but really I was hurting. He has seen my swagger and confidence go from a cool 6 o' clock straight up and down to a crooked 3:30. He knew my relationship patience had run out. It was kinda like my relationship patience was a fly ball at Fenway park in Boston and my Pops' advice was the outfielder trying to catch the ball before it got over the "Green Monster". As crazy as my similes are they are true. I'm terrified to death when it comes to falling in love..

I remember playing minor league baseball when I was 8 years old. Getting on base was fun and it was even better if I had the chance to score. Nothing compared to hitting a homerun when my team depended on it... or stealing second base successfully even when the catcher has the jump on you. The most humiliating thing for an 8 year old playing baseball is to strike out. The umpire would tell strike and the batter was forced to turn around and walk away. That action was usually followed by my head hanging low and tears running down my face. My pops would call them "horse tears" for some reason. (I'm not sure if he had ever seen a horse cry or not... I'm just sayin'....) After crying like a baby, I remember my Pops snatching me up by the jersey and telling me to dry my tears in a way that only a military sergeant could. "Did anyone hit you? If not, why the hell are you crying for?" he yelled in my face. The way I felt then is the same thing when my "love" doesn't work. I'm humiliated... I turn around, walk away, and let the tears flow down my face. No one hit me but my body and soul always feels like it was hit by a cement truck or something. I can only imagine what that feels like in real life. Love brings you visions of marriage, children, and happiness but when it doesn't work it seems like your whole world gets dark. One minute you are thinking about how there is no way that you could live without your partner. The next minute (Or month after the break up..) you find yourself "living" without your partner.

So after all that, my Pops is telling me that I shouldn't be afraid to go through all of that all over again. How crazy is that? Perhaps it isn't crazy at all. A wise man once said, "Fall down 7 times and get up 8..." I'm afraid to get up. A part of me just wants to lay here because it is comfortable here and it feels safe. The other half of me wants to

"Put on my boxing gloves, knuckle up and do it all over again"

as quoted the very first poem I wrote back in 2001 entitled "TKO". Needless to say, Pops is right. I shouldn't be afraid to fall in love. I shouldn't have a fear of a relationship not working. It happens. I shouldn't be afraid to trust people because "man" will always fail you. I shouldn't be afraid to give someone my heart because the worst that can happen is they give it back to me. I can't be afraid to fall in love because I just might be missing out on a blessing... Geez... Pops is right. "I Love you Pops". HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

J. Wiggins
6.19.09